Well, it’s that time of year again. When we can reflect and try to say something positive about 2020. This year, stay up on New Years even if only to make sure the last one leaves.

Some people say Christmas is for children. Well, bah humbug to that! Life starts out with everyone clapping when you poo and it goes downhill from there. When little, we could run around naked without a diaper—try it now and you’ll need bail money.

We know that having kids is like having little broke friends that think you’re rich. Children are like pancakes—the first one is always a bit weird.

Waking up on Christmas morning I wonder about people who wear pajamas in public. Have they given up hope or are they living life to the fullest? Some of you will enjoy a wonderful breakfast with loved ones. Consider that bacon can’t solve all of our problems. That’s why we have tequila. When it comes to Christmas dinner, remember this. Eating off somebody else’s plate is okay, it’s their calories, so they don’t count. During the holidays, what will grow faster, my debt or waist?

For NFL enthusiasts, Minnesota at New Orleans should keep you occupied on Christmas Day. Meanwhile, I’ll be looking for a wine that pairs well with pretending to like football.

As we look forward to the New Year, resolutions make a guest appearance. If I diet, I expect the results will be instant, dramatic and spectacular. Wish I could drop my body off at the gym and pick it back up when it’s ready. I tried yoga but it kept turning into a nap. To our spouses, I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

About getting old, one moment you’re young & carefree, next minute you can feel the rain coming in your knee. I’m at that delusional age where everyone my age looks way older than I do. You’re only young once but you can stay immature forever. Lying about my age is easier now that I’m having trouble remembering it. You know you’re old when you go to bed at the time you use to go out. Do you know how weird it is being the same age as old people?

Finally, take care of yourself—spare parts for older models could be out of stock.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Some other celebrations around this time of year:

Bodhi Day (Buddhism)
Pancha Ganapati (Hindu)
HumanLight (Humanism)
Hanukkah (Judaism)
Yalda (Paganism)
Kwanzaa (Pan-African)
Chalica (Unitarian Universalism)
Sadeh (Persian)
Malanka (Slavic)
Holiday (Pastafarian) . . . they also celebrate “Pastover” and “Ramendan”